Friday, November 26, 2004

Coming Soon...

I feel so out of my element right now...

Black Friday - After Thanksgiving Sales mom WAS IS crazy out there. Lame, broke-ass that I am...I woke up crazy early (5:45AM) so I could get a relatively cheap 17" LCD monitor at Staples. That was relatively painless despite the fact that my buddy Erik and I felt like we were lining up to get the first seats for Episode III of Star Wars. I even got a compliment on my "sleek and stylish" monitor from the 60 year old lady in front of me at the register. Geeks of the world UNITE!

Anyways, for kicks we drove over to the Best Buy on Los Feliz...absolute MADNESS. The place was packed beyond belief. I feared for my own safety on 3 seperate occasions. Felt like a cross between the 405 on Thanksgiving Eve and Main Street at Disneyland right after the 9pm Christmas Parade. Thankfully we weren't buying anything so we just left and got some breakfast.

Did anyone get a wake-up call from Target? I wonder if Heidi Klum/Darth Vader/Ice T really call? That would be quite impressive for Target.

“Hey man, this is Ice-T. You wanna mess around or you wanna wake up. Cause I’ll get your butt out of that bed real quick. Cause if your feet don’t hit the floor within two seconds after I call, I’m comin’ over there and I guarantee that you’ll be awake then.”

The Turkey Song

Adam Sandler - Thanksgiving Song

Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good
Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
in my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey turkey doo and
Turkey turkeydap
I eat that turkey Then I take a nap
Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets
traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.
White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother like to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye
Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pant
Are corduriys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Can you spare a dime?

After getting panhandled twice in 1 min at lunch yesterday, I thought to myself, "Do panhandlers ever ask eachother for change?" Each guy asked me if I had change...I didn't so I said 'No'. But if they were to ask eachother...and they pretty much KNOW they have change since they are each shaking a change filled would that work? Maybe they just make change for one another. Panhandler A gives Panhandler B two quarters in exchange for 4 dimes and 2 nickels.

That reminds me of one of my favorite SNL commercials...

First Citiwide Change Bank I
Customer #1.....Jan Hooks
Bank Representative.....Jim Downey
Customer #2.....Kevin Nealon

[ SUPER: "When you do only one thing, you do it better" ]

Customer #1: I needed to take the bus, but all I had was a five-dollar bill. I stopped by First Citiwide, and they were able to give me four singles and four quarters.

[ SUPER: "At First Citiwide Change Bank, We just make change" ]

Bank Representative: We will work with the customer to give that customer the change that he or she needs. If you come to us with a twenty-dollar bill, we can give you two tens, we can give you four fives - we can give you a ten and two fives. We will work with you.

Customer #2: I went to my First Citiwide branch to change a fifty. I guess I was in kind of a hurry, and I asked for a twenty, a ten, and two fives. Their computers picked up my mistake right away, and I got the correct change.

[ SUPER: "Correct Change" ]

Bank Representative: We have been in this business a long time. With our experience, we're gonna have ideas for change combinations that probably haven't occurred to you. If you have a fifty-dollar bill, we can give you fifty singles. [ SUPER: "We can give you fifty singles" ] We can give you forty-nine singles and ten dimes. We can give you twenty-five twos. Come talk to us. [ SUPER: "We can give you twenty-five twos" ] We are not going to give you change that you don't want. If you come to us with a hundred-dollar bill, we're not going to give you two-thousand nickels... [ SUPER: "We're not going to give you two thousand nickels" ] - unless that meets your particular change needs. We will give you.. the change.. equal to.. the amount of money.. that you want change for!

[ SUPER: "At First Citiwide Change Bank, Our business is making change" ]

Bank Representative: That's what we do.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Oh My God It Burns! � Practical Applications of the Philosopher�s stone. For drunks.

Oh My God It Burns! � Practical Applications of the Philosopher�s stone. For drunks.

How to filter cheap vodka using a Brita smooth! - Rapper O.D.B. dies at recording studio - Nov 13, 2004 - Rapper O.D.B. dies at recording studio - Nov 13, 2004

Whoa...when the hell did this happen?

Pour out a little liquor for the Big Baby Jesus...

NBA Action...It's FANtastic!!

Man...I love me the basketball. Just finished my usual Monday night game and I'm feelin' good good good. It's a wonder that something as simple as 2 hours of basketball can help you forget all about your problems, make you feel as fit as a fiddle (sorry, really been dying to use that phrase) and make you feel quite confident about yourself.

Ah to dream of being a professional basketball player. I can't even imagine how perfect that life must be (besides the rape allegations and what not). I mean, I wake up groggy, sit in traffic on the 405, go to work, eat crappy food, and go play for a few hours (NOTE: I love my life, but I have to make it sound crappy for better contrast). Now that may sound like a wonderful life, but Mr. John Q. Basketball gets to wake up in his very large home, have his entourage make him an eggwhite omelet, plays some playstation for like 4 hours, watch Oprah, drive to the Staples Center in his inconspicuous Ferrari, shoot around for an hour, get a message, play basketball for 2 hours, collect his 5-figure DAILY paycheck, and then go home to Brandy or Vanessa Williams or something like that. Must be nice. To be honest though, of all those luxuries, he and I still get to do the most important basketball for a few hours.

Plus I don't even like Vanessa Williams anyways...although a discount from Radioshack would be a plus!

Sunday, November 14, 2004


I don't like Las Vegas...

Thursday, November 11, 2004


No its not a gay club. Nor is it a club where British people smoke cigarettes. F.A.G. is a club/group/way of life that I had the foresight to create AFTER a rather disastrous trip to Las Vegas last year. After losing more than I had planned I of course blamed my friends for not stopping me from going to the fact, they aided and abetted the casino in taking my money....therefore, THEY are to blame! But its not their the time, there was no such club as F.A.G. to motivate them to help me. Help them, help me! So I have since taken it upon myself to found F.A.G., Friends Against Gambling. Now when I want to go to the ATM to withdraw my daily limit at 11:59pm AND three Fag's Dave, Kane, and Paul will have to stop me...thanks to the vow and club decree and what not. I think they are legally bound to intervene...
Wish me luck!
Posted by Hello

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Quarter-Life Crisis

From one of those many-times forwarded emails...

"Quarter-life Crisis."

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when youstop going along with the crowd and start realizingthat there are many things about yourself that youdidn't know and may not like. You start feelinginsecure and wonder where you will be in a year ortwo, but then get scared because you barely knowwhere you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,maybe, those friends that you thought you were soclose to aren't exactly the greatest people youhave ever met, and the people you have lost touchwith are some of the most important ones. Whatyou don't recognize is that they are realizing thattoo, and aren't really cold, catty, mean orinsincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job ... and it is not even close towhat you thought you would be doing, or maybeyou are looking for a job! and realizing that you aregoing to have to start at the bottom and thatscares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see whatothers are doing and find yourself judging morethan usual because suddenly you realize that youhave certain boundaries in your life and areconstantly adding things to your list of what isacceptable and what isn't? One minute, you areinsecure and then the next, secure. You laugh andcry with the greatest force of your life. You feelalone and scared and confused. Suddenly,change is the enemy and you try and cling on tothe past with dear life, but soon realize that thepast is drifting further and further away, and thereis nothing to do but stay where you are or moveforward.

You get your heart broken and wonder howsomeone you loved could do such damage to you.Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meetanyone decent enough that you want to get toknow better. Or maybe you love someone but lovesomeone else too and cannot figure out why youare doing this because you know that you aren't abad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start tolook cheap. Getting wasted and acting like anidiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questionsover and over, and talk with your friends about thesame topics because you cannot seem to make adecision. You worry about loans, money, the futureand making a life for yourself... and while winningthe race would be great, right now you'd just like tobe a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone readingthis relates to it. We are in our best of times andour worst of times, trying as hard as we can tofigure this whole thing out.

OH....Can...ada... Posted by Hello
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