Why Can't I Be as Smart as You?

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Why Can't I Be as Smart as You?:

"My brilliance is a tree that grows in the fertile soil of experience, and extends 74 miles into space, where it catches passing satellites, which not only hang from its beautiful branches like multimillion-dollar Christmas ornaments but also impart to my brilliant tree all of their satellite knowledge. This is how I know the license-plate and Social Security numbers of so many young and attractive celebrities, and it's the only reason, despite court orders that may say different. It's also why you get such great cell-phone reception in my presence."